UPDATE: That’s Senator McAwesome to You!!! (My HillBuzz friends will understand the reference.) WAHOO!!!

There’s an old adage that says something to the effect that everyone has a purpose in life, even if it’s only to serve as a bad example.

In that spirit, I have put together a compilation of campaign tactics from the Martha Coakley senate race that ought to be useful now that the 2010 Election Season has officially begun.

1. After winning a contested primary, treat yourself to a lovely 6-day vacation – less than three weeks before the general election. Not only do you need the rest, but it gives your opponent a chance to have unfettered access to the media.
2. Attempt to paint your campaign finances in the most positive light possible by releasing a number that has no basis in fact: “The $5.2 million number being hyped by Coakley has nothing to do with anything; it’s like the homeowner who brags how much her home used to be worth.”
3. Avoid any and all opportunities to meet voters; minimize campaign appearances and only hang out in Washington DC with power brokers, political elites, and drug lobbyists. Your potential constituents will be impressed that you know all those mucky-mucks.
4. When leaving a DC fundraiser, have a member of your staff assault a reporter and make sure that there are clear pictures of you looking at the victim on the ground with your hands in your pockets. Then go on the record claiming that you didn’t see anything.
5. When debating your opponent and the question turns to your foreign policy experience, be sure to remind the audience that your sister “lives overseas”. It’s also wise to be quoted as an authority on the absence of terrorists in Afghanistan on a day when they killed three Americans there.
6. Always see that the name of your state in your campaign literature is misspelled. You don’t want voters to think you are smarter than they are or that details are important.
7. During a radio interview on the most important issues of the campaign, make stupid assertions guaranteed to insult a large segment of the population by stating that the basic Constitutional freedom of religion does not extend to the workplace if you are Catholic healthcare professional.
8. After dissing the local sports fans by insinuating that they aren’t worthy of your time (see #3 above), add insult to injury by claiming one of the local sports icons is a fan of the team’s rivals. Red Sox fans will chuckle to hear that Curt Schilling is a big Yankee booster.
9. Imply that because your husband is a retired police officer that you have the endorsement of the local union, so that the organization gets above-the-fold headlines when they come out with the announcement that they have formally endorsed your opponent.
10. Use pre-9/11 pictures of the World Trade Center in a campaign ad trying to tie your opponent to Wall Street greed. Hardly anyone will be distracted from the message by the visuals.

BONUS TRACKS

As the campaign comes down to the final weekend, be sure to transmit your sense of panic by insisting that the widow and niece of your presumed predecessor come out of mourning and make campaign speeches on your behalf to remind the electorate that you are entitled to the seat.

Finally, don’t worry about your resume. No one will care that you have a controversial history; particularly that you did everything you possibly could to avoid prosecuting a political ally for sexually molesting his 2 year-old niece with a hot curling iron. Things like that never come back to bite you on the ass.

And always remember, in the end, you can always count on your loyal supporters to be there for you – no matter what.